Building Bridges When Walls Feel Safer

Invisible Barriers

The coffee shop was packed that morning, and the only open seat was across from a man whose political views—advertised boldly on his hat—were the polar opposite of mine. I hesitated, coffee in hand, weighing my options. It would be easier to leave, to avoid the potential discomfort of sitting with someone so different. Yet something made me place my mug on his table and ask, “Mind if I join you?”

That simple question began a conversation that surprised us both. As we talked about our families, our work, and eventually even our differing views, the invisible wall between us began to crumble. By the time we finished our coffee, we hadn’t changed each other’s minds, but we had seen each other’s humanity. Two years later, we still meet monthly, our political differences unchanged but now secondary to our friendship.

This unexpected connection brings to life Joseph F. Newton’s observation: “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” His words capture how our instinct to protect ourselves often leads to the very isolation we fear.

Walls or Bridges

This quote speaks to a paradox in human connection. We erect barriers to shield ourselves from potential hurt, judgment, or rejection, yet these same walls prevent the connections we deeply crave. The metaphor is powerful—walls are static structures designed to keep things out, while bridges are dynamic pathways that invite movement and exchange.

When we choose walls, we might feel temporarily safe, but we cut ourselves off from the richness of diverse perspectives. Think about it—how often have you avoided certain conversations or relationships because they seemed too difficult? I know I’ve skipped family gatherings after political disagreements, only to miss important moments I can never get back. The irony is clear: in trying to protect ourselves, we often create the very loneliness we’re trying to avoid.

Bridge Builder

Tru Pettigrew understands this principle intimately. Following the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, he saw communities divided by fear and misunderstanding. Rather than accepting these divisions, he created “Barbershop Rap Sessions” in Cary, North Carolina—monthly gatherings that bring together police officers and community members from diverse backgrounds.

In these barbershop conversations, people who might otherwise view each other with suspicion share personal stories and discuss difficult topics. What began with fewer than a dozen participants has grown to regular gatherings of 60-75 people. One officer shared how the sessions helped him understand that when someone seems nervous around police, it might stem from past experiences rather than wrongdoing. Meanwhile, residents who once avoided police now initiate conversations when they meet officers around town.

“If we can take the time to get to know each other,” Pettigrew explains, “we will realize there is so much more that unites us than separates us.” By choosing connection over isolation, he’s helped transform an entire community.

Connection Blueprint

Creating bridges when walls feel safer isn’t easy, but it’s always worthwhile. Here are practical ways to start building connections across divides:

Begin with genuine curiosity. When my neighbor put up a yard sign for a candidate I opposed, I almost stopped speaking to her. Instead, I asked what issues mattered most to her—and discovered concerns about education we actually shared. When encountering someone different, resist the urge to make assumptions and ask questions that come from genuine interest.

Practice vulnerable sharing. At a recent family dinner, rather than hiding my struggles with a work conflict, I opened up about my uncertainty. This led to my brother-in-law sharing similar experiences and offering perspective I’d never considered. Bridges aren’t built by one person alone—they require mutual vulnerability.

Look for common ground. My coworker and I disagree on almost everything politically, but we’ve bonded over our shared love of gardening. These seemingly small connections become the first planks in your bridge. Even among profound differences, shared values and experiences exist.

Embrace productive discomfort. When my friend challenged my views on a social issue, my first instinct was to change the subject. Instead, I took a breath and stayed engaged. That difficult conversation led us to discover we both cared deeply about the same underlying values—fairness and compassion—though we saw different paths to achieving them. Growing connections often means sitting with the discomfort of having your views challenged.

Of course, it’s important to note that not all walls are unhealthy. Sometimes establishing boundaries with truly toxic relationships is necessary for wellbeing. The bridges we’re talking about here are those that connect across differences, not those that lead back to harmful situations.

One Plank Forward

Today, identify one “wall” in your life—a relationship where difference has created distance. It might be a neighbor whose political signs make you cringe, a family member you’ve stopped calling because of past disagreements, or a colleague whose perspective feels foreign. Reach out with one simple, bridge-building gesture: a text message, a question about their interests, or an invitation for coffee. Don’t aim for immediate transformation—just lay down that first plank and see where it leads.

Spanning Distances

The walls we build often seem like protection, but they often become barriers to the very connection we long for. When we choose instead to construct bridges—even in small ways—we create pathways not just to others, but to richer versions of ourselves. Tru Pettigrew’s barbershop sessions remind us that communities thrive not when everyone agrees, but when they learn to connect despite their differences.

Joseph F. Newton’s words aren’t just an observation—they’re an invitation to live more connected, more bravely, and more compassionately. Each bridge we build weakens the isolation that walls create, strengthening not just our relationships but our shared humanity.

Your Turn

The choice between walls and bridges presents itself daily in countless small moments—the colleague whose opinion makes you bristle, the neighbor whose lifestyle differs from yours, the family member whose choices you struggle to understand. Will you reinforce the wall or begin building a bridge? Today, lay down that first plank, ask that first question, extend that first gesture. Bridges aren’t built in a day, but they don’t get built at all until someone decides to begin.